HAPPY NEW YEAR

 

Cheers to a new year, putting up with NO ONE ELSE'S drama, those who want you to fail, bring up the past and just don't know how to forgive you when told sorry! I will be praying for forgiveness of those I hurt, and that is that!

 

I am moving forward with my life, my new life. Pray I succeed and not fail. Positive people only in my life. I am so sorry if you can't forgive me or move forward, but I am going forward, with or without you! I have had to forgive people so many times for hurting me, if I can do it, you have no excuse to not do the same.

 

I hope you are all safe and prosper this new year. God Bless you all ;)



nothing

I can't sleep! I will write/journal. So my kids dad as I now refer to, texted my brother to see where they were, may I have a moment to say WTF? With me asshole! Where do you think they are?! I am seriously over this bullshit!

Maybe it's because he hasn't paid child support in over a year? PERHAPS? I hope he feels guilty for calling once in a blue moon! I hope he reads this as his family, I pray you post a comment..........$10.00 WAL MART gift cards!

Thankful yes, shitty, yes! I bet I will again have to purchase tickets for my boys to fly down to visit their 'dad'! I am so livid right now about the situation! When if ever will he rise up and be a 'dad'?

My apartment is a mess! I am having an OCD moment along with an I AM TIRED FROM DRIVING 6hrs. I do not need texts, calls. I need time to write

It is what it is.......

My boys adore my brother. Maybe that is because their dad NEVER calls them. It's been let's just say a very long time since he has called. He has not paid child support in over a year. As I sit here on this Saturday night, listening to them make bracelets and watch cartoons, I can't help but feel furious inside!

It makes me very sad to know I spent 20 years with a man and feel like I never knew him. even after all the lies throughout our relationship/marriage he told me, I am in awe of his behavior now. I struggle with this a lot. He 'was' a great daddy.....and now just isn't that 'man' anymore. These two miracles deserve more and better than that!

Pray for him, to pick up the phone, to have a desire to pick up that phone and call them..... they need to hear his voice. Yes, when they ask I always let them call him. I remain at peace with that. Nothing good comes out of despite with divorce.

I want a friendship for our children, but I can't work alone....

Down

Well readers, I am down 5 pounds this week. I stepped away from the ice cream and candy and lost weight. I also put down soda with the exception of a couple diet ones. I am eating a lot of hard boiled eggs, cheese, meats and fresh fruit and veggies. Which I love all of it so it makes it easy. Plus when I was in rehab they always had fresh fruit (pears my fav) and honey crisp apples are delicious and my fav also. I also love almond butter with my fruit. Good source of protein.

Cutting back the carbs always works for my body type. I got in some cardio, no weights. Next week I want to try and get more workouts in. I like to train crossfit style.

Here is something for you to start if you too are trying to lose weight:

 

 

Thanks for reading, my blog count is already up to 5k, WOW!

Be well and I hope to give hope and inspire.



A weak moment

I just wanted to take a moment to share a weak moment I had earlier in the week. I woke up at 3am with a strong urge to drink vodka. Many of you aren't fully aware of my story as I will write about it in my life story but to fill some of you in, I would binge on vodka.....a day, maybe 2 or sometimes 3.

For the most part I have no urge or desire to drink. Like a thief in the night that devil had a strong hold on my thoughts. I have been exhausted from not sleeping and my job can be very physical (lifting 60 plus pounds for 8 hours straight) on certain shifts. The devil knew I was weak......

I woke up and had a strong urge to swig off the bottle, and the urge wasn't going away. I kept rebuking and praying. I actually started shaking thinking about it. I made a pot of coffee, read psalms, reviewed the 12 steps, nothing was relieving the desire to pick up.

 

Finally, that morning I texted 5 loved ones, asking for prayer, taking responsibility for my thoughts and needed some positive reinforcement to keep me strong and remind me how far I have come AND how much God has blessed me.

After I reached out, the desire left as quick as it came. I want to thank all of them that were there for me. I also want to thank Steve for telling me to stop, pick up and call him. I think out of everyone he knows my struggle the best and knows my addiction the best. He lived with it for a long time. He knows the dysfunction first hand and how horrible my life became first hand.

Even though I reached out to those that truly don't understand the addiction, which can make things a little hard, reaching out helps, no matter to whom it is. just releasing it, sharing it and not keeping it inside to fester and get the better of you, WORKS!

To my loved ones that have been there, I love each of you and thank you for keeping me strong and responsible for my actions!



xoxo

Diet update

It's going good so far. I have been eating a lot of veggies and fruit.  Really enjoying my 2 pieces of fruit a day (sugar) ha!

I have felt tired naturally since I cut my carb intake to about half. the tiredness will pass soon once I adjust.

Now, if I could only sleep a solid 6 hours I would be set! Wishful thinking. Hoping exercise will help with that. It sucks to be so tired and unable to sleep.

Today I will have hummus and carrots, lunch meat with cheese and a pear. Dinner will be sausage and broccoli then an apple.

Hi ho hi ho off to work I go.

Be well!

'Diet' day 1

I did ok I suppose. I had coffee with sugar free creamer. V8 juice in the morning. Lunch I had a pear, lunch meat and cheese no bread, carrots and hummus. For dinner I had sausage with a artichoke-olive salad and asparagus.

I am tired and craving my sugar something bad. today is a new day, I got this! I am going to do my cardio today, oy! ;)

 

Bringing sexy back lol



Continuation of life story

I met my best friend Jennifer 30 years ago. we were 8. We are as close today as we ever have been. I would do anything for her as she would me. Which brings me to a very important chapter in my life, losing my mother to cancer.

I pretty much had the normal childhood. School, weekends spent on the lake boating, fishing, camping, skiing. I got to go to a few awesome places with Jennifer and her family. Padre Island was my favorite trip with her family.

I was a junior in high school just 16 when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She had surgery in September 1992 to remove her right lung. She passed away on December 4th 1992. It was very aggressive and a horrible painful death. I remember her having cantaloupe sized masses on her abdomen, side and back. Frankly, I think once the cancer was exposed to air and messed with, the rate it grew quadrupled. I'll never forget her last day at home or the last time I got to hold her. The most special time we shared during her illness was after her surgery, her first night home, my dad let me sleep with her that night. She grabbed my hand and held it all night (tissue please) no words were spoken but so many were........

It never hit me then that my mom was really going to die. I was in complete denial about everything. Actually it wasn't until at least 3 years past that I think I really felt the loss of her. Sure it would come and go in waves, but fully understanding what happened didn't come for a few years. Not one day goes by I don't miss and think about her. When the wind blows I know it's her blowing me a kiss from heaven!
 I have been on my own since I was 17. My father and sister moved to Ky and I stayed in Houston with my new boyfriend, future husband Brian.

We got a place together, both worked full time and had no worries and very little responsibility other then keeping rent paid, electric on and food in our bellies. As time went on, we financed a couple of cars, got a bigger place, got better paying jobs and well like most 20 something's, partied with our friends 3 days a week and just worked the rest.

I went through a health nut freak for a couple of years....joined a gym, turned vegetarian pretty much the works. We actually both went vegetarian.

Now is when I will mention my other best friend, Craig. He's been apart of my life for 20 something years. He also is one I would do anything for as he would me. He is my youngest sons Godfather. When my mother passed him and Jennifer dropped everything for me, drove to Ky to attend the funeral to support me.

Now, that is some awesome friends and who I hung with throughout my 20's. God definitely knew what he was doing putting us all together. They are family!
I suppose my 20's were 'pretty normal' I met a lot of great people and had a lot of wonderful times.

In 2001 Brain and I moved to St. Louis as he was promoted within his company. So we moved here to help open and run Whole Foods Market. I got hired as the marketing assistant/demo coordinator. It really is an awesome company and I believe in what they stand for.

We decided to get married in 2002. It was a small nothing fancy wedding. I rented a chapel, bought my dress at Dillards, had my cake made and invited our close family and friends. I think we had a total of 30 people, most who drove from Tx. I suppose I never really thought about some lavish big wedding, just wasn't my style. Good thing we didn't spend more then what we did, shew!

We were together for 20 years. Bought a house, got pregnant with my first son Blaine. This is when our problems started to occur.

(to be continued) sorry I have two little ones awake now who can both read!

Healthy Lifestyle

Today I will start my new healthier lifestyle. I have drowned myself in sugar since I quit drinking. This is fairly common among us recovering addicts. Sugar (sweets) takes the place of the sugar we no longer get from drinking.

I must say goodbye to the candy, soda and ice cream I have dearly loved the past few months. I do not want to really lose weight but add muscle and improve my cardio. I also will help support my brother who's business has an annual biggest loser contest, I want him to win this year.

Please pray that I have the strength to commit to this change. I will post or try to daily what I eat and the exercise I do. I will head to the grocery store today to get a lot of fresh fruits, veggies and protein.

I know this is going to be a huge challenge for me but I can do it. I might be a little crabby but hey, it's worth it.

Thank you for any encouragement I truly appreciate it. I also promise to post more on my life story. I have to be in a certain space to share those things.

Be well!

Friday night

I know that I need to continue my life story here. Bare with me. It's tough to share and hard to relive it again. So, in the meantime, I will share my past week as a working mother of two with full custody. It is HARD and very lonely. I am exhausted as I don't sleep really at all. Even with prescription pills as most of you know that follow me on FB.
I am not complaining (just a little) I am blessed with beautiful healthy kids, a job and place to call ours. I am tired, did I mention that? I cooked twice this week only. Blaine (my oldest) told me tonight he missed my cooking. ;( Right now all I can think is I have to run upstairs and put our laundry in the dryer.

Yes, I fed my kids lol. Chili and tots. We finally got our cable on, so they peacefully lay in my bed watching toy story. Makes me want to play barbies with my sister as we did years ago. The vision of innocence is simply amazing.

I have cookies and cream ice cream and peanut mnm's waiting for me. I don't need it but I REALLY want a bowl. My days at work this week were very labor intensive. I need calories, right?

A break from writing

It starts, as written on paper by my hand:

Early years:
I was born in North Carolina, Fort Bragg. August 29, 1975. My father was in the Army, my mom went to visit him. Low and behold, here come me. I have an older real sister, Stacey R. Gibson.She is 3.5 yo than me. My parents married young, I guess high school sweethearts. We moved to San Diego after my father was 'done' with the Army. We then moved to Houston, Tx, I was 2.

My parents liked to party. Alcohol, drugs. I remember one morning my mother and friend had to rush my dad to the hospital scared he was OD'ing on cocaine and downers. He had a blanket around him, trying to eat a bowl of cereal at the dinning table. I was probably 4. In future years this is what kept me from using any drugs (other then pot) and that will be explained.

When I was 5 my mother worked for a man at a tv repair shop. they made the mistake of trusting him. Trusting him with their girls. He was an older man with a son in between our age. One weekend he had a friend in town. We all went to Galveston, Tx. Since his son was in town my sister and I spent the weekend with him, and his friend in a hotel.

That was a mistake. All weekend there were pornos playing on the tv. On sat. he let my sister and his son go down to the lobby to play video games. I couldn't go. I didn't understand why, I felt like I had been a bad girl. Then, I am on his bed, he wanted to play the tickle game with me. Does this tickle, does that, he pulls up my night gown, grabs my belly, does this tickle......the he reaches down my strawberry shortcake undies and asks if that tickles.

I jumped up, screamed for my sister and he said "OKAY, shhhhhh, don't tell anyone, you will be in BIGGGGGGGG trouble" so I kept it a secret until about 4 yrs ago.

my uncle:
My uncle Jim, he was a mean man. I don't know why. One morning my dad carried me in very cold weather to his hose so he could babysit me. I turned the tv to a different channel and he made me go outside, in nothing pretty much, pick out a switch from a branch on a tree so he could switch my legs.

I remember screaming wanting my daddy. Feeling as if I was alone, I needed a rescue. After, I was sent to the corner for at least an hr.

I am done writing for now....... My little elfs will be home soon :)

These are my boys.4 and 6 We can now get to know one another. I pray if any mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, uncle has struggles you will get some peace and hope from me.

My life story from rehab:

Yes, I went to a 21 day inpatient rehab. This past Sept. - Oct. I had to write my life story out. It was hard. I felt very ashamed and embarrassed along with a lot of resentment of those in my life. I realized while I was drinking, I wasn't at fault for a lot of others actions. I also realized the pain, torture and hurt I caused. I lost a lot of 'friends' but no one that LOVES me.

I will start my life story, just as I wrote it there. The words will fall from the paper I wrote them on. They are mine, I have no intention to piss anyone off. Please don't judge me, let God do that. Remember, He picks us up and carries us...... He has so many times in my story.

My past 2 years, in a story from my pov.

It's been a long time since I blogged or actually was behind a desk top for that fact. I have lived via iphone. Bare with me until I review my notes and start to get all fancy on my readers........(are there any) I will start from the beginning of the end of my marriage-relationship of almost 22 yrs. I am a working single mom now, so bare with my responses and posts.

There will be times you love me, hate me and love to hate me. I hope that you enjoy my journey and I hope to spare some of you out there of the things I have endured. God Bless each and everyone of you.

Let's have some fun. Thanks for visiting. I shall get started soon. Gossip, my life, recipes, weather, photos will all be shared here.