Maybe

Maybe after 15 months I will receive a 'child support check'. Maybe the boys will receive a phone call from their dad. Maybe.....

con't

I was feeling so alone, little whispers in my head would come and go...."psssst, he doesn't love you, if he did, you tried, its over" and I DID try! alone. I asked him to go to church,  asked him to go to counseling with me! I went alone. ALONE. It's hard to write about this in hindsight, as I have grown and know more about feelings. I am put in my place.....

"mom, you can open your eyes"

Says my 5yo brushing my hair today. I enjoyed being pampered by him.

Where I left off in my marriage and being pregnant with B...

There was zero intimacy during and at least 6-9 post. He had serious issues with me being pregnant and after, there was no 'lovin'. I do recall him telling me that I was not 'sexy' anymore, just a mom now. With my oldest I let things slide, I felt bad for him as a man, seeing the birth. The second time was a c-sec. I almost lost my life, this afterbirth took even longer. I felt like a fat piece of shit. I felt unattractive and lonely.

I joined a gym and hired a trainer. Brian 'was' a GREAT dad, I never had complaints. He worked. came home and put 100% into his boys. I needed attention and love.....I was losing the baby weight, for us but I still felt fat and alone. So I lost the weight, there was still no intimacy between us,

I bought things from online stores and home parties. He still was not into it and then blamed me once for cheating because I wanted to try new things. I honestly just wanted to try and turn up the heat.... ironic. I met someone, that was into training and music, adventure, also going through hard times in his marriage.

Now is a time you will hate me, I started to have feelings for this person.I tried so hard to rebuke it, but I couldn't. His eyes, his smile......working out with me, the way he moved, when he touched me, the way he breathed....made me gasp and shutter. I wanted and needed him, I couldn't be without him. I kept it all, hidden, to myself. Everyday, playing the part of a mom that had it all. Miserable inside, no emotional love for years..... alone, just alone.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

 

Cheers to a new year, putting up with NO ONE ELSE'S drama, those who want you to fail, bring up the past and just don't know how to forgive you when told sorry! I will be praying for forgiveness of those I hurt, and that is that!

 

I am moving forward with my life, my new life. Pray I succeed and not fail. Positive people only in my life. I am so sorry if you can't forgive me or move forward, but I am going forward, with or without you! I have had to forgive people so many times for hurting me, if I can do it, you have no excuse to not do the same.

 

I hope you are all safe and prosper this new year. God Bless you all ;)



nothing

I can't sleep! I will write/journal. So my kids dad as I now refer to, texted my brother to see where they were, may I have a moment to say WTF? With me asshole! Where do you think they are?! I am seriously over this bullshit!

Maybe it's because he hasn't paid child support in over a year? PERHAPS? I hope he feels guilty for calling once in a blue moon! I hope he reads this as his family, I pray you post a comment..........$10.00 WAL MART gift cards!

Thankful yes, shitty, yes! I bet I will again have to purchase tickets for my boys to fly down to visit their 'dad'! I am so livid right now about the situation! When if ever will he rise up and be a 'dad'?

My apartment is a mess! I am having an OCD moment along with an I AM TIRED FROM DRIVING 6hrs. I do not need texts, calls. I need time to write

It is what it is.......

My boys adore my brother. Maybe that is because their dad NEVER calls them. It's been let's just say a very long time since he has called. He has not paid child support in over a year. As I sit here on this Saturday night, listening to them make bracelets and watch cartoons, I can't help but feel furious inside!

It makes me very sad to know I spent 20 years with a man and feel like I never knew him. even after all the lies throughout our relationship/marriage he told me, I am in awe of his behavior now. I struggle with this a lot. He 'was' a great daddy.....and now just isn't that 'man' anymore. These two miracles deserve more and better than that!

Pray for him, to pick up the phone, to have a desire to pick up that phone and call them..... they need to hear his voice. Yes, when they ask I always let them call him. I remain at peace with that. Nothing good comes out of despite with divorce.

I want a friendship for our children, but I can't work alone....