Monday, January 27, 2014
Maybe
Maybe after 15 months I will receive a 'child support check'. Maybe the boys will receive a phone call from their dad. Maybe.....
Friday, January 3, 2014
con't
I was feeling so alone, little whispers in my head would come and go...."psssst, he doesn't love you, if he did, you tried, its over" and I DID try! alone. I asked him to go to church, asked him to go to counseling with me! I went alone. ALONE. It's hard to write about this in hindsight, as I have grown and know more about feelings. I am put in my place.....
"mom, you can open your eyes"
Says my 5yo brushing my hair today. I enjoyed being pampered by him.
Where I left off in my marriage and being pregnant with B...
There was zero intimacy during and at least 6-9 post. He had serious issues with me being pregnant and after, there was no 'lovin'. I do recall him telling me that I was not 'sexy' anymore, just a mom now. With my oldest I let things slide, I felt bad for him as a man, seeing the birth. The second time was a c-sec. I almost lost my life, this afterbirth took even longer. I felt like a fat piece of shit. I felt unattractive and lonely.
I joined a gym and hired a trainer. Brian 'was' a GREAT dad, I never had complaints. He worked. came home and put 100% into his boys. I needed attention and love.....I was losing the baby weight, for us but I still felt fat and alone. So I lost the weight, there was still no intimacy between us,
I bought things from online stores and home parties. He still was not into it and then blamed me once for cheating because I wanted to try new things. I honestly just wanted to try and turn up the heat.... ironic. I met someone, that was into training and music, adventure, also going through hard times in his marriage.
Now is a time you will hate me, I started to have feelings for this person.I tried so hard to rebuke it, but I couldn't. His eyes, his smile......working out with me, the way he moved, when he touched me, the way he breathed....made me gasp and shutter. I wanted and needed him, I couldn't be without him. I kept it all, hidden, to myself. Everyday, playing the part of a mom that had it all. Miserable inside, no emotional love for years..... alone, just alone.
Where I left off in my marriage and being pregnant with B...
There was zero intimacy during and at least 6-9 post. He had serious issues with me being pregnant and after, there was no 'lovin'. I do recall him telling me that I was not 'sexy' anymore, just a mom now. With my oldest I let things slide, I felt bad for him as a man, seeing the birth. The second time was a c-sec. I almost lost my life, this afterbirth took even longer. I felt like a fat piece of shit. I felt unattractive and lonely.
I joined a gym and hired a trainer. Brian 'was' a GREAT dad, I never had complaints. He worked. came home and put 100% into his boys. I needed attention and love.....I was losing the baby weight, for us but I still felt fat and alone. So I lost the weight, there was still no intimacy between us,
I bought things from online stores and home parties. He still was not into it and then blamed me once for cheating because I wanted to try new things. I honestly just wanted to try and turn up the heat.... ironic. I met someone, that was into training and music, adventure, also going through hard times in his marriage.
Now is a time you will hate me, I started to have feelings for this person.I tried so hard to rebuke it, but I couldn't. His eyes, his smile......working out with me, the way he moved, when he touched me, the way he breathed....made me gasp and shutter. I wanted and needed him, I couldn't be without him. I kept it all, hidden, to myself. Everyday, playing the part of a mom that had it all. Miserable inside, no emotional love for years..... alone, just alone.
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